>Vampires Suck


I love it when a movie has an ironic name. It makes me happy inside. The Expendables, for example. Oh, and Pretty Woman; obviously named before the casting process was finished. As it is, the name of Vampires Suck happens to be the only time you’ll laugh.
            The premise is simple: to do what Scary Movie did for Scream, but with the horrible fang-chise (thanks, I made it up myself) that are the Twilight movies. I’m pretty sure you’ll know what drew me to this film. Do I have to say how pathetic the Twi-shite movies are? Good, it’ll save us both time. But I was hoping for some laughs at Meyer’s expense from a team of writers who obviously have the same sensibilities as myself. Shame they’re just not funny.
Holy shit, they think I’m Pattinson. Human shield-time!
I’m being a little nazi-esque with my reviews lately, so let’s look at the positives. I laughed properly twice. Once involves a baby and a bowling ball, which would have been funny in any film not involving vampires. The other I won’t say in case I ruin it. There’s nothing wrong with any of the jokes. They’re all fairly standard even if the writers are eager to lean towards slapstick when they can think of nothing else to do. It’s just that they’re not gut-busters. You’ll probably find yourself smirking fairly often, but only because they’re the same gags you’ve made yourself.
            However, it has other virtues. More virtues than the original material, anyway.
            For one, they manage to put the first two Twilight movies into one film without losing any of the over-romanticised bullshit or (I use the term loosely) storyline. If you haven’t seen the films, you could watch Vampires Suck as a catch up before the next ‘saga’ release and lose nothing.
            For two, the actors are actually pretty good. Jenn Proske plays Kristen Stewart/Bella Swan. Come on, the girl has become literally inseparable from her miserable alter ego so I can hardly tell which one is the character’s name anymore. But Proske is a fantastic pastiche of the Stewart/Swan hybrid. She pulls off all of the awkward, sour-faced mannerisms that makes you want to punch the original actress until you connect with tarmac. Except Proske manages to be likeable at the same time. Odd.
            As for Matt Lanter who plays Space-face Pattinson/Edward Cullen, he’s not as good as Proske, but still a decent comedy actor. His facial expression is always bang on with almost a hint of Carrey in places. And his delivery can be serious enough that he makes the lines funnier. Allowing someone to put rollers in your hair for an entire scene takes balls. And (ladies, this is for you) he doesn’t need to have a six-pack painted on before he takes his shirt off like the scrawny Spade-face.
We have one advantage Robert and Kristen dont.
We can smile.
References throughout the film stick mostly to the origin material, but there are a few pseudo-cameos from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lady Gaga and Twilight Fan-girls to make the proceedings seem just a little surreal.
            If you’re into vampire movies, this won’t convert you to the Twilight saga. If you’re already a fan of Meyer’s Suicide-inducing books of Perpetual Drivel, then you’ve heard all these jokes before and you won’t find them funny because it’s you we’re all laughing at. Still, if you’re on the outskirts of both camps, there’s worse ways to spend an hour and half. You could be queuing up for Drive Angry 3D, for example. Vampires Suck is brainless but fun.
“Easier than sitting through the original.”

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