Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City…
…Or it certainly feels like it. I know, I’ve been gone a while. In fact, this is my first post in the New Year. But there have been trials. Oh yes, there have been trials.
My Laptop was poorly, sick and dying, dragging its hard drive across the floor when I tried to let it out for a wee, not taking its electricity in a morning, and its screen had lost the joyful gleam of when it was just a wee Netbook. And so, I had to take poor Lappy to the Engineers (he always hated that and could smell when we were going), and I’m afraid he’s been put into sleep mode…for good.
I don’t consider myself a nostalgic person as such, but there was something about Lappy that made me get a little choked when I realised he was on his last legs (so to speak). I’ve had it five years, and in that time I’ve completed my Nursing degree and started another in English Literature. But Lappy was where I set down the feverish words of my first published short story “Upon Waking” and every other short tale encompassed in Not Before Bed (and a host of otheres that never made it). The entirety of Greaveburn has been written on there from concept to final draft. And my current WIP, The Alan Shaw Chronicles lived its first 40k words there, too. I’m sad to see the old boy go!
But, out with the old, and in with the new. I have a new Laptop who shall henceforth be called Tony. Named after the billionaire playboy, Tony Stark because he’s slick, fast and metallic red. Booyah, indeed.
Look at him shimmer in the noonday sun! It was almost worth learning all that Russian to get him. Sorry, did I not mention that? This is where the trials come in. You see, Tony had a predecessor. Another shiny red number who we will call Karl. I bought Karl, took him home, lovingly (in a purely platonic sense, you understand) stripped his packaging, and booted him up…and that was where the fun started. You see, on the title screen where it should say “loading Windows 7”, it said “загружение Windows 7”. Bugger.
Of course, I’ve seen enough Bond movies to recognise the language as Russian (And for you astute kids out there, you’re right, the Russian word for Windows is Windows!). I figure, the language settings have just been done wrong. So I Google a Russian translator and start looking for anything resembling the obscure Russian runes that mean “English”, “United Kingdom” or “British” in a hope that a simple click will revert me back to my mother tongue. No such luck! After returning Karl to the shop the three “experts” (Lets call them Harpo, Chico and Groucho) did exactly the same thing that I did, which was search for a Russian translator. Since I’d already done this, I ended up around the counter translating to Chico. Me! Translating Russian! A skill I never knew I had. To cut this odious story short, the versio of Windows installed on this English computer was actually the Russian verson, and so we took Karl to the embassy who returned him to a lovely family in Minsk.
And all should have been well. Except there were no other computers like Karl in the shop. Or, apparently, in any other shop in entire world. So it took two weeks for Tony to arrive. But now he sits warming my knee as I beg your forgiveness. Because this whole elaborate post (although every word be true), is basically a long apology and stream of excuses for abandoning you all for so long.
If you want a happy ending…here it is…
It seems that neither Harpo, Groucho or Chico knew what they were doing at any stage of Tony’s birth. And so the Laptop with i3 processor and 4GB of RAM I payed for has been inadvertently ungraded to an i5 with 6GB of RAM. A quick research shows that to be a £150 pound upgrade freebie! And me being an upstanding citizen, I kept my trap firmly shut and will never return to that shop again!
Now I think I really deserve that BOOYAH!
Thanks for reading.